he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
