Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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