I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
