Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
