I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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