so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
