just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I didn't notice because vodka
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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