I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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