who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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