My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
