sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
