I just saw a hot homeless man
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
