i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Is Oprah even human
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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