He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
only you would photoshop your dick
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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