I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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