How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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