The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
