maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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