He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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