My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
