Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
