I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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