Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
