I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
