Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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