I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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