The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
