Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm both gender and math confused
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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