I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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