Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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