Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
