so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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