These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
