Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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