Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
