U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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