Who wears a wallet chain?!
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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