Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Boobs are out for the taking
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
