I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just puked most of my soul out..
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
