Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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