i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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