Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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