NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
