I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
