I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
