i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
