ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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