i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
