Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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