Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
