I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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