So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
