I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
